My Pathetic Self

The lights are dim and the music around me somehow does not help me to concentrate. Instead, while laying there on my yoga mat, supposed to be relaxing, all I can think about is how my life is and how I want it to be. My arms are extended to my sides a little bit and before I know what's happening, tears spill down my temples and into my hair. What is wrong with me? Something is.

I sound so...I don't know, pathetic almost, speaking like this. But I can't help it. I'm sooo down. Every single night, I cry. Not even to sleep, because I'm far too tired to sleep. I can't. So I lay there under the blankets, looking up at the white ceiling and wonder, Will this ever end?

I'm mad at myself for not getting better grades in high school and working hard so I could go to a good school.

I'm mad at myself for pushing people away.

I'm mad at myself for being so stubborn and just plain...stupid.

Anyway, as I was laying on my yoga mat, i couldn't help but think of him. His name was Alec, and I was sooo much in love with him. He was everything I'd ever wanted and he was just within my grasp. BUT then I ruined it, like I always do.

My hand, shakily reaches out for something, but there's nothing to grab. Nothing. I'm all alone in this room full of people.

I honestly feel like men are incapable of loving me. And I'm soo scared that I'll be alone. For. The. Rest. Of. My. Life. And that scares the shit out of me. I don't know why. I'd be fine on my own. I could be successful and travel...but I want someone to share it with. Am I really so awful? I don't understand, could someone please help me to understand?

Maybe not.

I guess I could just share it with my mother. :)