Life. 4/13/2012

Dear Pig,

I'm not sure about how my life is going right now. My grades are failing, at the end of this semester I'll only be passing 2 out of 5 classes. Which does not make me feel good about myself at all, but I'm just so sick of school! I'm sick of routine, and blah, blah, blah!

My plan is to work, I don't have a job, but I AM GOING TO GET ONE. I'm going to work for a year, and then I'm moving to Oregon. Bandon, Oregon to be exact and I'm taking you with me, Pig. Bri says she wants to go with us, but I know she won't. She wants to finish her degree in Nursing and she's thinking about moving to Provo...blah, blah, blah.

I'm done with school! I'm done with...not living! I'm going to live and be proud and do things and learn a non-conventional way. I'll experience real-life. I'll have hardships and I'll pay bills like rent and utilities and I'll be okay. I'll take care of myself. No, I'll take care of us. We'll have fun in Bandon, Pig, we will. We'll live there for, I'm thinking, seven months. Then we'll come home and stay awhile, and then we'll move again. South Carolina? I'm fine with that. Let's move to Charleston and get a little beach house. That will be beautiful.

Bri is basically my only friend now, besides you of course. But you're a cat.... Anyway, Hal moved and so did Nay. I'm not very good at keeping up with them. I just feel so...detached. I don't know. My relationship will always be complicated with Nay. Mike hates me and I know she'll stay with him forever. She's coming home for the month of May and I can guarantee she'll spend most of her time with him. Like always. Whatever, I guess. I'm nearly to the point of indifference. I kind of...back off from people who leave me. Is that weird? That's one reason why I'm scared for Nich to leave. I can't lose my baby brother!

I'm writing again, Pig. I love it so much! If only I had a true gift of writing...now wouldn't that be something! I could be unstoppable! :) Just kidding. I just wish I could just pull out descriptions and beautiful poetry from no where, but I can't in the words of an ex-friend, Andrew, I'm "just not creative enough." He was such an ass. I liked him for like a year, and I'm still trying to figure out why...? I have no bloody clue.

I'm still not going to church. I want to have that desire, I really do. But. I. Just. Don't. Want. To. I'm awful. Really. Sometimes I tell heavenly father to just kill me and throw me into outer darkness because I'm somewhat of a lost cause.

Pig! I learned how to french braid! Oh I love France! But anyway! French braiding. It is as hard as it looks. My brain could comprehend it, but my fingers just did not! Finally I got it, and today I learned a way to twist my hair, creating a crown like look all the way around my head. I really like it, but I still need a lot of practice. I know it will be cute once I get it down.

Well, it is rather late. 3 AM. Or early to some people I guess.
I love you, Pig.
xoxo
Jamessays.

P.s. The picture is of Bandon, Oregon. :)

To N.P.C

To N.P.C: 

Sometimes I love you so much it's impossible to love another being like that, and like my whole life, I just need to protect you. Even though you're so much bigger than me. 

I understand you and your abilities whenever I am given the chance but contrary to what you believe your heart is warm and alive; filled with sunshine and hope. Is that too much? :) It's true. 
But that is certainly not the only thing in there. 

Your cool exterior shows everyone else what you want to but not me! I know you, I know how to make you laugh. 

I know your passion for life and love, that burns hotter than the sun's spots on certain days. 

Brother, you are not lost! Even now at five, almost six, in the morning as you search everywhere for toaster strudels and cereal.You're talking to yourself like a mad man "holy crap, am I happy." I can't help but laugh. 

Good things can keep on going if you let them, and you will. 

Remember to always look to the heavens when hunger strikes and all seems lost, between God and the stars, you will find your way, I promise you that much. 


I love you, little brother. 


Slowly I'm realizing I can't protect you anymore. I can't throw rocks at bullies or pull girls hair. 


We're growing up and I'm sorry about it. 

Home Life

Hate envelopes me every time
they open their mouths to speak.
I can't tell which has more heat;
their hate of me or my hate of myself.

A desperate plea runs through my
veins along side my blood and
other vital fluids. It begs me to flee,
it asks me to leave this place.

If only I could grant its wish.

19 and nothing

My wounds become a little deeper every day,

The fear of being nothing more unbearable than ever.

May today be the day of change.
May today be the day I change.

Wind?

Is it really so awful, the wind?
It's haunting howls give me peace.

As it goes from town to town ripping
up the earth and flinging it into
the air, I can't help but wonder,
when or where does it stop?

Does it eventually swindle into
nothing but a breath or does it
just stop so abrupt, we wonder if
God himself had shut the lid?

I love the wind. It rips me about
whipping my hair in my face until
my eyes water and my nose
bleeds. It picks me up and asks
me if I'd like to fly.

But I always say no and go inside.

Alone
          Without
                        Any
                                Air.
Without any wind.

Memories

Haiku 1:

Joyful mid-day rays,
Beam into the ocean's surface,
stirring up old dust.

Haiku 2:

The cool silky breeze
With ghostly moths one spring night,
Reawakening the past.