Really?

Today is Christmas. December 25, 2009. The time is 10:54 PM. It's been a great day.
Right now, at this moment in time, I feel so alone. I feel disappointed. I feel like punching someone, like throwing up, and possibly, like praying.
I asked for toothpaste for Christmas, and I got it. I got probably the most expensive Christmas gifts, but I still feel like something is missing. (Maybe I'm just a spoiled brat.)
I'm in love with someone who I can't have, someone who it's illegal for me to be in love with, and someone who doesn't even consider me a friend. No one can ever know about my little infatuation, so because no one reads my blog I'm choosing to post it here.
But to settle my mind, I've chosen this one boy to distract me, but I actually really like him. I wish he would just give me some attention! I'm the one who has to text him, and talk to him. I don't understand why he can't just come out and tell me that he likes me! I told him! ARRG!
My life is so messed up right now, but yet, it's not. My life is simple. I have no job, my only worry, really, is school. That's my life. Lame? Yeah, I agree.
So here I sit, feeling sorry for myself when I shouldn't be. Tomorrow, I'm going to go to Barnes and Noble and spend my $50 gift card, and have a blast doing it, while not feeling guilty! Yeah! Woohoo!
But I'm bored. I want to....I won't say it on here. ;) I'm such a naughty girl.

I feel empty.

Weird. Off the top of my head.

I'm so different.
But we're all the same?

Let's run and play
leave the work for the adults.

We'll fall in love
showing them that it's true.

Falling and rolling,
We won't get burned.

You won't leave me,
and I won't break you.

Kiss me once in a while,
maybe we'll give them somthing..
TO TALK ABOUT!

We'll giggle and chuckle
our knees will buckle, even ruckling their system.

Get back up,
smooth out the wrinkles, and fix your tie.

throw out the windows to our pasts,
one conjoining future,
and an unknown road.

Skip and hop
dance and sing!

Nothings going to stop us.

My perfect man.

(I've often wondered when my chance was going to come along. I just didn't know that I would give up on my list for you, and look where that got me. No where. You can't have my heart anymore, and I refuse to think about you anymore. This chicka is moving on to better and bigger things!)

Hey there! So I have come up with a list of what I want in a man. It is more of a protection thingy so I won't get hurt, I've decided that I won't let myself get hurt again. Therefore, my man has to have all of these characteristics or I'm going to stay a bachelorette for the rest of my life. It's true. I won't settle for anything less than the best. ;)

Physical
*Tall
*Blonde
*Blue or Green eyes
*cleft chin
*beautiful smile and at least one dimple
*nice hands, they have to fit perfectly with mine
*has to be able to dance, and has to love it.
*has to where glasses

Personality
*stubborn
*likes cats more than dogs
*Is funny, but doesn't isn't pushy. Doesn't bring people down
*likes to smile (for I would want to see him smile all the time)
*is kind and generous
*would be a good father and has to have the same beliefs as I do.
*has to be passionate and has to yell at me when I want him to.
*has to like to read, and he has to enjoy books
*Has to be smart, and not remind everyone about it.

Other things will be added when found!

Hush Hush.

"I'm sorry for the way I let go of everything i wanted when you came along.."


Why is everything going down?
What’s with this frown?
I don’t like this--feeling like a clown.
If you can’t help me, I’ll just drown.
Let me put on this gown,
And let’s go out on the town.

You are my weakness,
But all I see is bleakness.

In my heart is this ache,it’s for you, and I want to break
I really hope this isn’t fake.
There’s really too much at stake.
Please let’s get back to the wake.

I’m in such pain,
Pull the drain,
Let it rain
Don’t get on the plane!
I’ll use my brain,
(I hope I’m sane,)
Please, I’ve been slain.
Save me, I know I’m vain
Let’s meet at Main.

Ill wait here forever,
It’s not too clever,
Don’t let it be never
I don’t want it to sever,
Pull the lever!
I’ll get through this endeavor.


I miss you. I'm so sorry, please don't leave me all alone. What we had was magic over the dates of June 4, 5, and 6th. I think...I miss you.

Minding My Intelligence

A murky cloud wrestles the mind,

Suffocating acts warp,

Scared cogitations twist.

Fogged and perverted,
An incoherent whisper.
Spiders and newts.
Every crawly thing,
but this is worse.

Rejection, loss, madness, anger.

Pushed into one's skull,
wishing only eradication.

Daunting nightmares,
containing unholy creatures of deep.

Anything to see that face,
take off the mask,
and peer into thy soul!

What shall we see?
Physiognomy, or abstruse images?

Touch of they hand,
slowly caressing the ache.

Sound of they heartbeat,
calming my agonies.

Why should I acquiesce to this cruel begging?

Live in a harmony unknown to mankind,
dwelling a rapturous delirium, waiting for thy
love to be returned every day and night?

Who say, has ever witnessed such nefariousness admission?

Obscurity clouds thy mind again,
They're realizing that expansive consideration,
would only be an exigency to them all.

Pernicious strife is what I am bound to live for,
the rest of my life.

The Sweet Shop

What my heart feels,
I cannot tell

My mind is fogged,
but I must not fail...

Not so unlike the sickening weed,
but a fierce passion,
I cannot feed.

You're standing right behind me,
(teasing) sweet breath upon my neck...

Why torture me so cruelly?


The rose I cannot smell
The jewel I cannot touch
The sweets I cannot taste
The love I cannot have...

Contemplating

trees whistling
spirits whispering

plants won't fumble
field mice mumble

secrets are passed
wisdom is shared

feet crunch
the unseen prey,
wants to munch

wind shows me the way,
there is no break
of a new day

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Somethings coming...

Clouds howl down.
God shed's a tear,
concealing my fear

stars shut their eyes.
for them, it's no surprise

one leaf bends
a branch lends
(lightning strikes)

My hands quiver,
neck is popped,
breathings stopped.

I leap..
WHOOSH!
Into a new life...




A new life.

Emoo Kid.

"In a sick way I want to thank you so holding my head up late at night, while I was busy raging wars on myself you were trying to stop the fight." --Blue October's Hate me.

I love my friends. The thought of being with out them if hard for me to take. Tears well up inside my eyes and my soul and seeing any of them in pain makes me wish that I could take it all away.

I love school. I really do too, and I have to be around people. During this last summer, I felt abandoned. One of my best friends was away for the entire summer, and I didn't see the other six a lot. I was so alone. I really wasn't, it's just what my mind was telling me. And I became extremely depressed.

My depression eventually led me to bulimia. Now, I'm not diagnosed or anything. But everything I ate I threw up, I've actually been doing this for the past couple of years, the first person I ever told is someone who was my best friend the summer before, but we've grown apart, taking different paths. I miss her so much.

I cut my self over the summer. I did a couple times, but since I never saw anyone, it didn't matter. I enjoyed hurting myself, I needed to have the feeling of life rush to my head again. It's a smooth clarity that took away my loneliness for a brief moment in time.

And at the beginning of school, I cut myself again. For a few days, no one noticed. But when my sleeve road up my bicep, my best guy friend saw. I was terrified. I didn't want people to know my secret, I didn't want people to know my vice. It could have led to a disaster. He starting calling me "emo", and he didn't know how to help me. I denied it every chance that came my way. I'm not "emo". I'm just a little lost right now, I'll get on track soon. I keep telling myself. I havn't told anyone that I'm suffering, that I'm screaming out. I think I lost my people skills, I just want to go home and be with my neices.

One of my role models, Mr. Eaton, was my teacher last year for several classes. I love that man, I felt like he believed in my when know one else did. There was a shooting at Desert Hills High school last year, and, of course, people always have to blame someone. They blamed him. He had nothing to do with it. Tucker was an idiot. Don't get me wrong, I was friends with him. But it's a mystery why he did it, Mr. Eaton didn't make him shoot himself. Tucker's parents need to realize that, btw.
Anyway, the school-board stuck Mr. Eaton down one of the halls, at the very end, and basically gave him one class to teach. They're treating him like crap, and it makes me, and the rest of the kids that love Eato, very, very ANGRY. Angry enough to punch through a fifty-foot wall.

How I am feeling at this point in time. I don't claim to be a poet, i'm not one with words.

It's killing me inside,
this thing I'm so willing to hide.

my soul feels ripped,
torn even

Guilt is smothering my faith,
wanton thoughts trap my heart.

Insecurities plague my mind

While unholy loneliness forms a bind.

Bitter and selfish
I'm afraid of what I've become.

Wretched within denial
I'm frightened to see you

Frightened to see how you've improved
--Without me....

I can't bare to hear about
summer love..
oh, only because I've had none...

You're gone,
ensnared in an island ecstasy,

I've been stuck,
dealing with the cuts...

My foreshadowed road...

I bear a cross,
I'm to weak to hold.


I'm scared.

Babble

Leave that shut!

Don't touch.

Broken words

s
m
a
s
h
e
d glass .

(Sealed lips)

Run-down hero.

Eruption begins!

black and white

SMILE

frown

That's mine!

[Fools' gold.]

Darkness falls...

Always

First, it was just a drop.
Trickling down my back,
sending shivers through my body.

Then, it disappears, leaving streaks.

It comes and goes,
just like the wind.

Always breathing in the back of my mind.

It comes with the hunger,
it comes with the need.

Savagely, it takes over me.
Corrupting my spirit,
poisoning my heart.

Sometimes I wonder,
will I ever feel okay?

Maybe, this time,
if I keep a light on,
it will go away.

I mutter to myself,
as I turn the light on.

Never, never, never turn it off.
And I fall asleep.

I don't know

I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know how I'll get through,
each and every day.

I don't know how to handle this news.
I don't know whether to cry,
or to bust a fuse.
I don't know what it'll be like,
I don't know if they'll understand.
I don't know if I'll be able to kyke,
I don't know if you're my man.

I don't know when I'll see you next.
I don't know his plan.

I don't know if your in my part.
I don't know...
But
I do know that,
all I do is pray,
asking that you won't go away...