Friday, December 16, 2011

My Untimely Demise: I've Always Wanted to be an Astronaut

The cold black atmosphere's nothingness
presses against my lungs; but I've been here before.
 It is not a welcoming place.  The sun is nothing but
 a small dot on the horizon, and your eyes are fading
 from my memory. I'm beginning to forgive you
 for your ignorance.

 Even though I can feel my life source leak from my suit,
 I can almost feel peace. You're doing what you were always
 going to, and still I'm lost in the universe.  I don't remember
what you smell like anymore and the sound of your voice slips
 from my mind  a little more everyday.

 My body is starting to shake and my trembling hands search
 for something to hold onto, but all they grasp is the nothing.
I remember when I first forgot you.  It was when I became
 friends with him, and he was so gentle. It makes me chuckle,
even in my inevitable end.  He's so much better than you'll ever be.

 Though he's learning about manhood, I know he'll be a great one.
My chest is starting to seize. The pain is unbearable.  I love the
softness of his voice, and his commanding attention. He'll never
 be as handsome as you, but maybe that's why I need him.

 My death is coming so slow, my patience is slipping. Something
just keeps whispering, "Hold on, he's coming." But I know he's not.
 He knows our love is forbidden.  And he's smarter than I am.
He'll listen to what I didn't. They won't cast him out.
You wish they would, don't you?

 My last breath fogs up the glass on my helmet,  and a tear
 rolls down my cheek. A final pain in my chest, oh it hurts so bad!
 My heart and mind are screaming his name.
 Another tear slips onto my cold cheek.

 The only thing that plagues my mind is you.
Why do you have this hold on me? I wished to die peacefully,
but you even had to take that.
 What's that? A shooting star? No. Too small,
and it's headed straight for my lifeless body.

It's starting to take shape in my eyes and realization comes to me.
It's him.  I shout at him, leave! Celestial tears pouring down
 my face, I don't want him to see me this way!
 Remember who I was! Please leave, I beg him.
 But he doesn't. 

My celestial being turns and hides its agony. If only
I couldn't feel his own.
I turn and see him, floating by my corpse. He's too late.

His gloved hands fumble with the clasp on my suit,
trying his hardest to get it open. I stifle a scream as
my golden hair spills out. He bows his head.  I can see
the drops landing in a small pool. His hands clench
a fistful of my hair as he pulls my small form into his arms.

 A plea of forgiveness comes from him.
He has to know it wasn't his fault!
 His body starts to twitch but he holds on
 to me steadfast; whispers of lost love tickle
my deaf ears softly.  My glowing form was invisible
 to his mortal eye but how I wished to feel his touch again!

My arms hug me as I fall to my knees.  I'm surrounded
 by rapturous light, and someone whispers, "You'll see him again."
 Jeering tears fall from my body in his hands,
and I'm becoming envious of my own lifeless remains.
 A wicked smile creeps on my cold lips,  I can feel insanity
 start to tantalize me again. As he looks up, my face is just as it was.
Not peaceful, not in agony. Just still. "Please don't go" he whispers.

Fierce determination takes over my mind and
I know I'll do whatever I must to get back to him.
With one last glance at the face I love so much,
I turn around and walk straight into the light,
not seeing him plunge the knife into his stomach...

I blame it all on you.

Your cowardice and weakness killed us both.
 Ex-lovers always do seek revenge.
You sick bastard.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

My Pathetic Self

The lights are dim and the music around me somehow does not help me to concentrate. Instead, while laying there on my yoga mat, supposed to be relaxing, all I can think about is how my life is and how I want it to be. My arms are extended to my sides a little bit and before I know what's happening, tears spill down my temples and into my hair. What is wrong with me? Something is.

I sound so...I don't know, pathetic almost, speaking like this. But I can't help it. I'm sooo down. Every single night, I cry. Not even to sleep, because I'm far too tired to sleep. I can't. So I lay there under the blankets, looking up at the white ceiling and wonder, Will this ever end?

I'm mad at myself for not getting better grades in high school and working hard so I could go to a good school.
I'm mad at myself for pushing people away.
I'm mad at myself for being so stubborn and just plain...stupid.

Anyway, as I was laying on my yoga mat, i couldn't help but think of him. His name was Alec, and I was sooo much in love with him. He was everything I'd ever wanted and he was just within my grasp. BUT then I ruined it, like I always do.
My hand, shakily reaches out for something, but there's nothing to grab. Nothing. I'm all alone in this room full of people.

I honestly feel like men are incapable of loving me. And I'm soo scared that I'll be alone. For. The. Rest. Of. My. Life. And that scares the shit out of me. I don't know why. I'd be fine on my own. I could be successful and travel...but I want someone to share it with. Am I really so awful? I don't understand, could someone please help me to understand?
Maybe not.

I guess I could just share it with my mother. :)

Monday, September 5, 2011

My Mind and Infinite Space: My Pantoum




All because of the moon,
The stars lie down and hide.
Suffocating in the back of my mind,
Something is about to explode!

The stars lie down and hide,
With the mystery of space,
Something is about to explode!
I’m I can’t find out how to fix it!

The mystery of space
Tickles my brain with vengeance
I’m afraid I can’t find out how to fix it
Maybe I can get some sleep

Tickles my brain with vengeance
The sickening thought of you
Maybe I can get some sleep
But again I’ll drift off to the universe

The sickening thought of you
Supernova in my stone heart
But again I’ll drift off to the universe
Peace will be mine once again

Supernova in my stone heart
The puzzle I can (not) get
Peace will be mine once again
All because of the moon

thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

This is kind of just to vent. Just maybe time will stop and look me in the eyes, concentrating hard on my soul.
I don't want a regular job. I don't want to get up at eight and come home at five. I don't want the average life. Adventure and the unknowing is a part of who I am, and I need that. I want to do astronomy but I'm afraid that I'm not smart enough to do physics or anything involving that sort of thing. Writing is a way, I suppose, I could live vicariously through others but I don't want to live like that. Adventure are a deep part of me, starting in the roots of my ancestors and I can't sit around and be a good little housewife or whatever I'm "supposed" to be. I need freedom.
and I want to be able to just get in the car and drive and drive. Not have any cares. I want to travel the world with my mother, who I want to be able to retire. I don't care if I have to take care of her, I'll live at home. I'm tired of seeing her work. I'm just so tired of the near-poverty that we live in. I want to be able to go to the store and be able to get everything we need and also what we'd like to have. I want to be able to provide. But it all contradicts my ideals of not being tied down and such. I don't know. I'm so confused.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Talking to the Cracks


Ash skies plow over my soul with the inability to see my future

Sending cold shivers down my aching spine: They openly mock me

Suffocating loneliness rides in hot air balloons and infects my dreams
But only after seeing him again with the psycho bitch he left me for

I sometimes pretend to understand the world around me; breathing in the pain and suffering
But looking into the night sky and remembering how small we are helps me to hope

One day I will defeat the sickening poisonous weed that sends its roots to do its bidding.
I'll whisper, I don't need you and for a moment, be happy

But just because superman died doesn't mean I'm going to stop saving the world

Word by word like brick by brick again and again I'll help rebuild the only thing that really matters: you

Friday, May 6, 2011

Upon the Liar's Head



Into the tiger's eyes She'll dream
as if falling through a gleam

Sea tales and green whales
They're everything

The thought of you escaped its hold
Again her mouth is always too bold

Evil mermaids caught by time
Skin on skin is much more sublime

Granting her the dismissal
a heavy heart caught on thistles

Tearing straight through her chest
It ripped out the rest
But you know what?
Now she's feeling her best

Sun rises slowly with each passing day
soon she'll feel the sea spray

Gold flecks flicker down from the moon
Reaching forth with outstretched hands
The moment was quite opportune

One day she'll understand
And be again, one with the land.




Sunday, February 6, 2011

My Unseen Companion


Mist flecks the grasses and flowers bend around me. I stumble past secret worlds and silent films into the land of the unwanted. They place a wreath of sweat over me as I enter.

Foggy forms press us together and I do all I can not to fall into your arms. You pull at my mind and struggle to hold my heart.

Blood pounding, twigs snap underneath us, I wrestle you to the ground until you break. I am victorious.

It's not for a while till the clouds clear and I see you for what you really are: weakness.

Friday, January 28, 2011

January 26th, 2011


As I descend the stairs one by one, a thump enters my ears and the soles of my shoes. But only one thing plays over and over again in my hollow mind: you.

I slowly strip; as if to tease an audience. But as I look past my stage and into the darkness of my room, I find you not.

In here there lies no peace; nothing to stop this agony. No water quenches this thirst, no substance cures this hunger. No gigolo to appease my fancy.

I'm afraid that this will not stop until I have you. Even then, it might never stop.

My worst fear might be realized...
I'm alone.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

My Sailing Days


Fog forms over the Mountains,
lying our heads on the rocks.
I'd whisper silently,
"I like you, I like you."
And you'd hear me...

You're five hundred miles away
right now,
And I'm thinking about your smile
right now
Oh how lovely you are

Sun rises over the ocean,
Jumping off the dock.
I'd look at you,
You'd look at me and
we'd feel like that was our destiny

You're five hundred miles away
right now,
And I'm thinking about your eyes
right now.
Oh how lovely you are...

The wind slaps at the sails,
You're looking for me,
You're calling for me,
But I am no where to be found...

You're five hundred miles away
right now,
And I'm thinking about your hands
right now.
Oh how lovely you are....

Separation leads to insanity
While arguments cause bitterness
We don't remember the joyfulness
of being together.
And baby, its killing' me.

You're five hundred miles away
right now,
And I'm thinking about your voice
right now,
Oh how lovely you are....

Pouring my heart out
You hug me
How I wanna tell you
I wish You love me
But you won't let that happen...

You're five hundred miles away right now
And I'm wishing you could be here somehow.
I'm missing your face, I'm missing your touch, oh so much and
you'll never know it....

Brief reunions on windy days.
We've changed so much but we're still the same.
We'll never forget how we looked that day, talking of days gone by.
I'll catch you looking at me, but I won't mind. But now...

You're five hundred miles away and I'm thinking about your laugh,
I'm thinking about your body right now. I'm thinking about you right now.

But that was five months ago and I'm nearly done.
You've changed too much for me and I'm not the same.
Maybe one day we'll reunite, but now I'm fine being alone.
Yes, I'm fine being alone.