The Letter: May 11, 2012

A year ago in my senior English class my teacher had us write letters to ourselves which she would send to us in a year. I forgot about it and was actually stunned when I received it. Frankly, I was scared what it would say. But when I opened it, I was actually surprised. I was pretty wise for an eighteen year old girl, I think. Here is what I said:

"Restraint


*heat(Weather conditions)
being so long without normality
forgetting themselves
stress/always being on the edge

We have to remember. We have to remember who we are, why we're doing what we're doing, and what our goal is/what are we trying to achieve. Remembrance is the key to a lot of things. If we forget for even just a second, a little part of us snaps, and its hard to recover. Restraint is important. Without it we lose everything. Restraint keeps everything in check and balanced. Because Of restraint we don't do things that would damn us. 


Jaime,
School. It's so stupid, but it is necessary. Don't forget your life and the effects of no schooling. You can't do anything you can't go anywhere, you'll be nothing. You can't accomplish what you want to. You won't see the world without SCHOOL. Without KNOWLEDGE. Is that what you want? No. Change who you are and you'll change your circumstances. You can take care of yourself and you can take care of your family. You can be who you want to be. With knowledge. You. Can. Do. Anything. Want to study in Egypt? Graduate. Go to school. Get a job. Become great, and you'll achieve great. Accomplish great, and you'll become great. You want power? You have to earn it. 

Keep writing. 


You don't need a man. You can be perfectly happy without them. 


Love unconditionally, be happy and change yourself. 


You can be great. 


I love you. God loves you. That's all you need, God's love."

Wasn't I so wise?

April 13, 2012-I hate Feeling

Today I received a letter from a dear friend of mine that is in the MTC and is preparing to go on a mission. I've kind of been waiting to hear from another..well, I was in love with this other guy and we got into this huge fight and haven't talked in a year, but he's been writing this girl who is friends with my friend and she said he wanted to write me and apologize. He is also on his mission, and so I've been waiting, praying, and hoping that he'll write me. Well today when my friend wrote me from the MTC, my mother thought it was the guy who I was in love with and told me that he wrote me.
When she handed me the letter I was stunned, I'd prayed and hoped  for a letter for months but with no word. Finally one had arrived, but not really. I was so excited I didn't even look at the letter but just held it, letting my heart race and all of this raw emotion welled up inside me, I thought I was going to burst. But then I did look down, and I saw my friend's name, not...his.

Then more raw emotion came, emotion that I'd been pushing down for a while, and I had to try really, really, hard not to cry. I wouldn't let my parents see me cry, I couldn't. I had to be strong, I had to wait. And I'm still waiting. I was feeling a million different emotions all within a minute and I instantly hated being human. I don't want to wait for this guy, I don't want to hold on to every memory of him like it's a bloody rare Pokemon card. I want to hate him and think he's not worth my time.

But I can't.

October 7, 2010-Butterflies are pure spirits

Today as I drove home from school I passed fields of corn and alfalfa, expensive cars, and butterflies.

Pale butter-yellow butterflies. They were so beautiful and happy-making. But I killed them.

I don't know how many I killed, hundreds maybe.

It made me feel awful. They were so innocent, so pure, nearly like children to my heart. But they flew in front of my car.

I wanted to stop, pull over, and be one of them. I wanted to fly away with them. But I just kept driving.

March 2, 2011: Best Piece of Advice

"Today in my English class we had to write a journal about the best advice we'd ever been given. Now maybe it's just me, but my life isn't exactly filled with those wise people that always have phenomenal advice, so nothing popped into my head except for: "Be Unstoppable."

I got that from a cough-drop wrapper."

The Box of Teeth

The Box of Teeth
By Jaime Contrys

He left it at my door.
The gaping hole in
the top of the box
sent shivers down
my spine. I did not
want to look inside,
for fear of what I would
find. Nightmares need
only find me when they
look behind the sign.

He left it on my doorstep,
as easy as can be. He left it
there, he knew I would see
past what only the eye can see.
A lump in my chest but not to panic,
only I can solve this mess.

He left it at my back door, and that was way
too much. The scars on my chest could not
forget, how he’d asked to have some lunch.
The sweat goes in beads down my face, as I
knew not how he found the place. They started
to chatter all in a row, scarring me from head to toe.
I ran to the phone, but the line had been cut. If
only I had known about the silly phone, I may
have saved the mutt.

He left it on my doorstep, the
only one of me. The picture
he took while I shivered and shook,
I'll never be off the hook. His traps
did work and only he knew what it
took for me to look in that stupid box
he put, the empty life of three. Mine
should have joined them, but it was he 
that held the key. Tthe only thing that kept
me at bay, was the box of teeth that he had
all in array.

He left it at my door, he did,
he left it at my door. So who
would ask of me, at long last,
of that stupid ol’ box of teeth?
The box of teeth that did not
belong to me, but to the three
that had long been lost, not free.

He left it on my doorstep,
he did, to haunt me one last
try. He left it at my door, he did,
to see if I might cry. He left
it on my doorstep, to see me ask
“Oh why?” He left the box, of three
dead, no-- lost, to sit and spy one
more time.

He left the box of teeth, he did,
to tell me his goodbye.

Words I Can't Forget

"You're not that creative."
But it's all I want to be.

"You looked disgusting."
I would never tell you, my best friend, that.

"You're nothing."
I know you're wrong.

"We're just friends."
Now we're not even that.

"Your laugh is wonderful, I live for it."
This is the best compliment I've ever been given.

"You look good today."
I hadn't ever been told that before by a man.

"You won't graduate."
Proved you wrong, again.

"I don't care about you."
Then why don't you just leave?

"He wanted to save you, to take you away."
The point is that he never did.

"He's dead."
A part of me died with him.