My Pathetic Self

The lights are dim and the music around me somehow does not help me to concentrate. Instead, while laying there on my yoga mat, supposed to be relaxing, all I can think about is how my life is and how I want it to be. My arms are extended to my sides a little bit and before I know what's happening, tears spill down my temples and into my hair. What is wrong with me? Something is.

I sound so...I don't know, pathetic almost, speaking like this. But I can't help it. I'm sooo down. Every single night, I cry. Not even to sleep, because I'm far too tired to sleep. I can't. So I lay there under the blankets, looking up at the white ceiling and wonder, Will this ever end?

I'm mad at myself for not getting better grades in high school and working hard so I could go to a good school.

I'm mad at myself for pushing people away.

I'm mad at myself for being so stubborn and just plain...stupid.

Anyway, as I was laying on my yoga mat, i couldn't help but think of him. His name was Alec, and I was sooo much in love with him. He was everything I'd ever wanted and he was just within my grasp. BUT then I ruined it, like I always do.

My hand, shakily reaches out for something, but there's nothing to grab. Nothing. I'm all alone in this room full of people.

I honestly feel like men are incapable of loving me. And I'm soo scared that I'll be alone. For. The. Rest. Of. My. Life. And that scares the shit out of me. I don't know why. I'd be fine on my own. I could be successful and travel...but I want someone to share it with. Am I really so awful? I don't understand, could someone please help me to understand?

Maybe not.

I guess I could just share it with my mother. :)

My Mind and Infinite Space: My Pantoum

All because of the moon,
The stars lie down and hide.
Suffocating in the back of my mind,
Something is about to explode!

The stars lie down and hide,
With the mystery of space,
Something is about to explode!
I’m I can’t find out how to fix it!

The mystery of space
Tickles my brain with vengeance
I’m afraid I can’t find out how to fix it
Maybe I can get some sleep

Tickles my brain with vengeance
The sickening thought of you
Maybe I can get some sleep
But again I’ll drift off to the universe

The sickening thought of you
Supernova in my stone heart
But again I’ll drift off to the universe
Peace will be mine once again

Supernova in my stone heart
The puzzle I can (not) get
Peace will be mine once again
All because of the moon

thoughts, thoughts, thoughts

This is kind of just to vent. Just maybe time will stop and look me in the eyes, concentrating hard on my soul.
I don't want a regular job. I don't want to get up at eight and come home at five. I don't want the average life. Adventure and the unknowing is a part of who I am, and I need that. I want to do astronomy but I'm afraid that I'm not smart enough to do physics or anything involving that sort of thing. Writing is a way, I suppose, I could live vicariously through others but I don't want to live like that. Adventure are a deep part of me, starting in the roots of my ancestors and I can't sit around and be a good little housewife or whatever I'm "supposed" to be. I need freedom.
and I want to be able to just get in the car and drive and drive. Not have any cares. I want to travel the world with my mother, who I want to be able to retire. I don't care if I have to take care of her, I'll live at home. I'm tired of seeing her work. I'm just so tired of the near-poverty that we live in. I want to be able to go to the store and be able to get everything we need and also what we'd like to have. I want to be able to provide. But it all contradicts my ideals of not being tied down and such. I don't know. I'm so confused.