April 13, 2012-I hate Feeling

Today I received a letter from a dear friend of mine that is in the MTC and is preparing to go on a mission. I've kind of been waiting to hear from another..well, I was in love with this other guy and we got into this huge fight and haven't talked in a year, but he's been writing this girl who is friends with my friend and she said he wanted to write me and apologize. He is also on his mission, and so I've been waiting, praying, and hoping that he'll write me. Well today when my friend wrote me from the MTC, my mother thought it was the guy who I was in love with and told me that he wrote me.
When she handed me the letter I was stunned, I'd prayed and hoped  for a letter for months but with no word. Finally one had arrived, but not really. I was so excited I didn't even look at the letter but just held it, letting my heart race and all of this raw emotion welled up inside me, I thought I was going to burst. But then I did look down, and I saw my friend's name, not...his.

Then more raw emotion came, emotion that I'd been pushing down for a while, and I had to try really, really, hard not to cry. I wouldn't let my parents see me cry, I couldn't. I had to be strong, I had to wait. And I'm still waiting. I was feeling a million different emotions all within a minute and I instantly hated being human. I don't want to wait for this guy, I don't want to hold on to every memory of him like it's a bloody rare Pokemon card. I want to hate him and think he's not worth my time.

But I can't.